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Thoughts and Solutions to the #MeToo Cause

Like most men, I didn't want to get involved with the #MeToo causes, posts, or even talk about it. I didn't want to get mixed up in storm. But the problem is, if every guy in my position ignores it, nothing will ever change as we are the problem. I'm not saying that we're all terrible people and men are scum and women do everything right. I am writing this post because even though I could easily think "Not Me" and wait until the hashtags fade away, I know how important it is for us to speak up and be involved.  I know that many women just want to be heard. But I couldn't just heart their posts, scroll past, and move on.

I acknowledge how big of a problem it is in our society, and I encourge other men to also hear you and spread the word. I feel genuine sympathy and empathy towards everyone who has been a victim and I see how widespread the problem is. So here is me speaking out. I honestly didn't want to post this as I know how easy it is for people to personally attack someone when they don't agree with their ideals. But if that happens, please realize that by doing so you are killing your allies in this battle that to fix, both men and women need to work together in love and unison to resolve. That being said, here are the six possible solutions to ending rape, sexual assault, and sexual harassment once and for all.





#ItWasMe


In my mid twenties I read the book "The Game" and thought, "wow, I finally have the power, I am Johnny Wolf, I am a pick up artist!" It was a big contrast to what I used to be, what they called the "nice guy loser" or "average frustrated chump." Throughout my life I was always insecure and awkward around women, I never even held a girl's hand until I was 17 yet alone kissed one. When I finally learned "the tricks" I took it too far and have defientely made a lot of people feel uncomfortable during my learning period. I've never sexually assaulted or physically hurt a girl and never would, but I feel terrible thinking back on how many people I made uncomfortable with my awkward approach and sexual advances.

Until literally days ago, I didn't even know what harassment really was and how difficult it is for a girl to say the words, "please stop, you're making me uncomfortable." Even though I know for sure if someone had ever said that, I would have been more freaked out than she was and immediately stopped and apologized. But now I know it's not their job to tell us that. We should just know and we should ask every step of the way. Even though I know I am a good guy with a big heart and good intentions, I now also know that behavior that guys like me thought were normal, isn't acceptable. This was extremely hard to write and admit to but I know how important it is to let the women in our lives know that we understand and we're here to love and support them. I am sorry, #itwasme and it will never happen again.

Even today, I am terrible at reading people and their feelings, especially women, and have been told that I'm sometimes too aggressive, inconsiderate, or a downright idiot. But at the same time my close female friends who know me well describe me as a good guy that is often misunderstood that tries to do good even though I often mess up. I've been fortunate enough to have female friends tell me when I mess up and make someone feel uncomfortable as they know it was never my intention. That has allowed me learn and grow. My blog has always been a journey of self-discovery and improvement. I am far from perfect but am genuinely trying to do good in this world. This is why I'm sharing this post, as I have a feeling that there are a lot of other guys in the world that are genuinely clueless on how to help the #MeToo cause but want to make the world a better and safer place. To kick it off, here's an easy explanation that we should all be able to follow!





My Original Thoughts



I posted my first draft of the six possible solutions on my personal facebook in hopes to open up a conversation on how to improve them. I am extremely grateful for all of my amazing female friends that took the time to contribute to make the thread better and let us see the situation from the female perspective. But even though I had the most genuine of intentions, I realized that my original suggestions had pissed off a lot of girls. I also realized how ignorant I was about the entire situation as I couldn't see it from a female's point of view.

So even though the actual solution to solving the world's problems and making sure sexual harassment and assault never happen again is probably a joint effort between both men and women, I now understand that it's not our battle to fight and we just need to do what we can do to understand and be on their side. That being said, even though from a strictly male-hyper logical-point of view,  I wrote my post from a genuine place of wanting to help.  But now know that the best thing I can do is simply support my female friends who have a better understanding which is why I'm sharing my friend Stephanie's re-written six points instead as they are more valid. But first, here is my original post for some context.



The original thoughts from a male point of view


The corrected six points from a female's point of view (written below)


The Six Solutions



Even though I wrote the above six possible solutions from a genuinely good place, hoping to help stop the cycle from ever happening again, I came to realize that women really are better suited to give their advice on how to fix this as men often think too hyper-logically without enough empathy or compassion and can only see it from our point of view, which isn't necessarily correct.

Here are the rewritten points by my amazing friend Stephanie Simon! (Comments in parentheses are my additions.)


1. Men should never rape women. Ever. 


2. Men should not expect a woman to say ‘Stop’ when questioning their own advances. 


Instead, preemptively, they should ALWAYS ask if their advances are actually welcome. And if a woman changes her mind one minute after giving you the green light, men should listen and immediately back off. If a man hears this happening to another woman from another man, he should immediately step in as an ally and assist the woman to a safer situation.


3. Men should never assume that a woman is making a false rape accusation based on what their bro’s or coworkers or society is saying. 


Always give women the benefit of the doubt because all rape filings are ALREADY serious matters, even in a society where a woman could potentially make a false rape claim for the wrong reasons.


4. When a man sees that a woman has been drinking, he should automatically recognize that she may or may not be too impaired to properly give consent. 


Men should be extra careful in these situations, giving women space and allowing them to make the first moves if they are so inclined. But in general, if a woman can’t drive herself home, men should probably just back off altogether. Ask her for her phone number, get her some water, and see that she gets home safely. If she wants your advances in the future when she is sober, she’ll communicate that to you BECAUSE men should then refer back to step #2.


5. Men should understand that they are still responsible for their actions, EVEN WHEN they are being led on, used for drinks, money or access. 


Then even when these shitty things happen to a man, he is not justified in any way to invade a woman’s personal space or to verbally assault her.


6. We, as men, need to be better examples for our children...and especially for our sons. 


We need to raise them to be aware of all the things mentioned above. We need to teach them from an early age how our actions may be perceived and how critical consent is. We need to raise them to respect women.

(Education and understanding really is the key to fixing this whole mess. Bad people are often victims themselves of bad situations. Lets work together to fix this for future generations.)


Lets all try to be more like this guy.


How to be a Decent Man



Okay since guys like practical solutions on what we can actually implement, here are 14 things we as decent men can strive to do, written by Nicole Stamp and shared by one of my friends on facebook. I'm sharing these because I think they are useful tips on how us guys can make small changes to help the world be a fairer place.


1. Practice these phrases: "That's not cool" and "That's a shitty thing to say". Say them to other men who are saying disrespectful things to or about women.

2. Read female or even femists writers on social media. Sometimes what they write may seem "exhausting" or "too angry". (but it's an important conversation)'

3. Boost female voices. When there's an issue and you're going to share an article about it- especially if it's a gender issue- take a minute and try to find one written by a woman (same goes for other marginalized groups- seek articles about race written by IBPOC, seek articles about disability by writers with disabilities*, etc. "Nothing about us, without us").

4. Boost what women say at work. Listen for men dismissing women's contributions and make a habit of listening and saying things like "Hey Zahra has a point".

5. Be mindful of how you introduce women- particularly at work functions. Role-model extra respect into your introductions. So often you hear men being introduced with job titles and accolades, and women introduced as "the lovely" or "the beautiful". I guarantee that no matter how good she looks, she'd rather be introduced by her job title and accomplishments.

6. At work or out in the world, don't call female colleagues or strangers cutesy diminutive names like "honey, baby, darling, kiddo, young lady, sweetheart, girl, or dear". This is a subtle way of putting them down, elevating your own status over them as a man who is choosing to vote them as attractive, and reminding them and all present that they're just cute little ladies that nobody should listen to.

7. Seek enthusiastic consent in your sexual encounters. If you're having sexy time and the other person stops reciprocating, gets quiet, seems tense or stiff, avoids making eye contact, pauses, or otherwise slows the tempo of the encounter, then you should.... STOP WHAT YOU ARE DOING.
Reframe how you think of consent. You're not supposed to just "go for it" until someone yells NO and that's when you stop.

People shouldn't have to explicitly say no. Instead, slow down. At every step, listen with your ears (or ask with your words) for the word "yes", and then you can escalate the encounter together. Seek explicit and enthusiastic and active consent before you proceed. Proceed together. And constantly observe the other person's body language for the hesitations that mean "no". If this means you have to cut down on alcohol or substances to stay present and have self-control, please do that.

8. Don't use gendered or misogynist insults. Bitch, cunt, slut, pussy, f*g, girly, sissy, cuck, etc. Use insults that work on everyone rather than insults that specifically target the feminine as weak, lesser, and undesirable. "Asshole" is a nice multipurpose choice- we all have one.

9. If there are little boys, teen boys, and young men in your life, role-model that the feminine is not less-than. Challenge them on their dismissive ideas around what counts as "girl stuff". Buy them a doll. Paint your nails together. Show up wearing pink. Do something that's coded as* traditionally "feminine" in a way that embraces the feminine as a valid way of being, not in a way that mocks femininity. Buy them books and watch TV and movies that prominently feature female characters. Verbally challenge their stereotypes about what men do and how women are lesser. Seeing women as people starts in infancy.

10. Be wary of constantly or only telling little girls they're pretty and cute or commenting on their hairstyle & clothing. I know, little girls often wear fun stuff and it's easy to comment on. But it tells her, and the little boys nearby, that girls should be valued first and foremost for their looks.
Instead, try things like "What kind of toy is that? That looks fun, what is it? Are you reading any good books? What's your favourite subject in school? What kind of things do you like to do? Do you have a favourite animal? May I ask your advice, should I purchase the apples or the grapes?" There are so many things to talk about.

11. When a woman is walking alone and you end up walking behind her- especially in dark or secluded areas- please slow down to increase the distance between you, or, better yet, cross the street. Literally go out of your way to help her feel that you're not following her.

12. Teach your elders to do better. Pervy Grandpa and Racist Grandma might seem harmless at Xmas dinner but as their health declines, they will largely end up being cared for by women and POC who don't deserve dehumanizing treatment. Call it out. You can teach old dogs* new tricks, and you should definitely try.

13. Don't argue so much in conversations around types of oppression that you don't personally experience. Avoid the hot takes and go to the source- the people who experience the issue firsthand.

14. If you feel uncomfortable during conversations about sexism (or racism, or ableism, or cultural appropriation, or whatever- because all these systems are related, the only correct response is to be quiet and listen and try to focus on the topic at hand rather than centre your own feelings. It's hard. It's worthwhile.

Thanks for trying to be decent men. We see you.





I want to thank all of the women who reached out to me letting me know how we can change and be better. If we cross paths in person and I ever do or say anything to make you feel uncomfortable, please, please, please try to use the words "you are making me feel uncomfortable" and I promise I'll stop immidently and learn my lesson. I think this goes for a lot of good guys that are just misinformed.

That being said, it's time for us to take the lead, accept responsibility and use the tips above to be better men in the first place so we don't need to place the burden on our women. And ladies, let us band together as brothers and sisters to make this world a better place together. The fight is too big for any one side to take it all themselves. Lets forgive each other of our mistakes and ignorance, and try to move forward to make the world a better place together. I understand that men will have another side, and logical can be placed to the solutions, but for now, lets just accept that women don't want to hear our solutions, they want to be heard and for us to understand theirs.

Hopefully in the future there can be a two-way conversation as I honestly believe both men and women want what's fair and best in the world for everyone. Outrage, hate, and punishing each other isn't the solution.


With Love,

Johnny FD


I hope this helps! Please share it with your fellow men if it does. 



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  1. No idea why you are posting this garbage here.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Agreed, this shit is so cringe

      Delete
  2. You should call this post "How To Be a Cuck"

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yes, agreed. He's a cuck and a tool.

      Delete
  3. Johnny, your original post was reasonable, but the "corrected" feminist-friendly version is nonsensical. Can't you see the double standards there?

    One one hand women should be respected just as much as men and treated equally, but one the other hand they are too weak to say "no" and have no responsibility to protect themselves from unwanted advances. So which one is it? Are we equal or not? Can't have it both ways.

    Same thing with being drinking. I agree with your original point. But Stephanie seems to think that once women have been drinking they can't give consent anymore. Then she says that men are always responsible for their actions...but not women.

    These double standards and lowered expectations for women are in themselves a form of soft sexism.

    If we really want to help women, we need to bring them up, make them stronger, not expect men to carry all the responsibility.

    Because, guess what, rapists don't care about anyone's feelings. But if a woman says no and calls for help, then she has a chance of being unharmed.

    Now, Nicole's piece has the same issues. Point 11 was almost too cringe-worthy to read. When a man is walking on a public street where there are other strangers, he doesn't have to go out of his way to do anything.

    It's time for men to treat women as adults. And as adults women should understand that their feelings are their own responsibility, not the responsibility of some strangers on the street.

    Boosting what women say just because a woman says it is also not compatible with treating them as equal adults. It's soft sexism of lowered expectations. Boost what she says only when she says something of merit.

    Stick to your own point of view, Johnny. The politically correct feel-good nonsense just doesn't help in the real world.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks for sharing your thoughts. It's important to see both sides.

      Delete
  4. Is this game 2.0?
    Trying to score brownie points by parroting retarded feminist nonsense?
    LOL

    Better stick to E-commerce and the digital Nomad thing Johnny.
    People are sick and tired of having this marxist bullshit shoved down their throats.

    ReplyDelete
  5. Enthusiastic consent sounds good to me. Anything other than that becomes less about sex and more about power and point scoring. I don't understand how male minds work sometimes but I think having someone really into you is much more of a turn on than being someone just dialing it in because you've pressured them into having sex with them.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I like the term Enthusiastic consent as well, and it's something that most guys don't think about that we could easily start making a priority.

      Delete
    2. Johnny has a new term he can use, "Enthusiastic Consent" and it is so trendy! Wahoo digital nomad guy

      Delete

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